owl and bear

I don’t know much about fashion. In fact, I am even—believe it or not—sometimes chided for a lack of fashion sensitivity. My list below is meant to illustrate the dangers of fashion and how its strictest adherents—and no one else—should be chided. If I were President of the United States Dictator of the World, I’d make everyone wear burlap sacks. But that has only to do with sheer cruelty, not fashion.

5. Giant SUV for one person—Let it be noted that the dumbest people ride highest in our society. The even dumber ride highest and solo. My neighbor, a hairdresser, drives a HumVee to work every day—and wears big sunglasses! Alright, I fabricated that part about the big sunglasses, but I had to tie this into fashion somehow. I’m happy that she gets 1 MPG, but I still want to slash her tires. Or, to be more subtle, dump 10 boxes of nails in her driveway. Or, at the very least, cut her brakes.

4. The “tramp stamp”—I’m not a big fan of tattoos in general. In fact, I think I’ve liked only two tattoos out of the thousands I’ve seen (see: the eldest Amstutz and the female guitar player from Tristeza). And actual tribal tattoos worn by members of actual tribes are exempt from criticism. Back on track: the “tramp stamp” is the biggest offender: this is the large, usually scribbly, usually bluegreen pseudo-tribal noodling situated snugly on the upper ass. It is called the “tramp stamp” because—well, use your deductive reasoning skills. If I were to get a tattoo, it’d be an anchor on my forearm, just like Popeye, and that’s it. Either that, or puzzle pieces all over my body.

3. Dirty uggs, or any uggs for that matter— What the Hell are these ridiculous, furry little booties? The terrorists don’t hate our freedom. They hate our uggs. They despise our uggs. That’s what George Bush is really whispering. I, on the other hand, love it when people spend their next three years’ worth of shoe money on a pair of light-colored uggs, only to realize that the new footwear will be accumulating dirt and smudges for next 1,094 days—just like the greasy-haired kid in elementary school who never washed his white rottweiler sweatshirt. If you wear uggs, you’re that kid.

2. Cigarette-smoking mother-to-be—I know that my disrespect should probably be aimed at tobacco companies who peddle an addictive product, and my personal (although unrelated) opinion is that the cigarette-buying-age should be 21. But I’m going to call this a fashion statement anyway—just because I don’t know much about fashion and I had a Hell of a time coming up with five things to list (my original goal was a Top Ten). All I have to say is this: What the Hell are you doing, jackass? If you’re going to smoke while pregnant, I don’t ever want to hear a word about the health and welfare of your child. After you have your undersized, willfully oxygen-deprived baby, let me know so that I may kick you in the ass (1-877-696-6775).

1. Enormous sunglasses—In New York City, Enormous Sunglass Weirdos are impossible to avoid. These aren’t vintage 60s shades or the hideous, tinted prescrip. goggles that your grandma (or regular ma) still wears. Those are bad too, but these are worse. Everywhere you look, someone is wearing these tinted windshields. They’re basically a glorified version of the post-eye-exam-protective-sunglasses that the elderly wear all year ‘round.

I’m certainly not talking about aviators—though their use is under investigation too—and lord knows that I may someday buy a pair of Bob Dylan’s Wayfarers. Maybe I’m just jealous. It’s true, I need to wear sunglasses on top of my regular glasses if I don’t want to choose blindness over squinty. But every time I see someone wearing these horrible oversized shades, I want to punch them in each eye. With each of my fists. At once. Sunglasses can only get so big—before they turn into those worn by clowns.