This Week’s Contest Winners

Land Of The Free, Home Of The Fat Ass Dog (Yahoo!) - I still don’t know what to make of this article. Excerpt: “U.S. health officials have approved the first prescription weight-loss drug aimed at treating Americans’ increasingly plump pooches.” What the Christ?

Paula Abdul, Prossible Stroke Victim? (NYT) - Speaking of overmedicated canines, Paula Abdul has denied being under the influence of any drugs or alcohol during her awkward-yet-hilarious efforts to promote this year’s season of American Idol.

Fair enough. But even if Abdul has a policy to abstain from alcohol and drugs, doesn’t the denial actually raise more questions? For example: what in the Hell, then, caused her to slur her words and act like a stroke victim? I’m warning you, Paula: you don’t want a mob of living-dead stroke victims chasing you down trying to eat your schnapps-marinated brain.

Kyle Picone, Poor Man’s School Shooter; Bangor, PA (LancasterOnline) - This 17-year old shot his girlfriend with a pellet gun (on school property, no less), but cain’t a figger out why he was expelled. Obviously, also unable to understand that “Weapons on school property will not be tolerated,” and that “Pellet guns are dangerous [and] potentially deadly,” Picone’s mother complained that school officials had “Taken the heart and soul” out of poor Kyle. Awwwww, that poor boy! We’re on your side, Ms. Picone! Your son- not the girl he assaulted- is the victim. Have fun losing that lawsuit against the school.

Texas’ Tarleton State University Students, Mocking MLK (The Smoking Gun) - Jeremy Pelz participated in a Martin Luther King Jr. Day party that featured attendees wearing gang apparel and Afro wigs, dressed as Aunt Jemima, carrying malt liquor, handguns, and fried chicken.

Walgreen’s Drug Stores, Always Finding Innovative Ways To Boost Cigarette Sales (Reuters) - Walgreen’s plans to sell nicotine-laced hand gel in its retail stores. Don’t be fooled, though: this product isn’t made to help cigarette addicts kick the killer habit, it’s meant to keep ‘em enslaved and smoking.

From the article: “Nicogel…can be used when smoking is inconvenient, such as at work, on an airplane, in a theater or, these days, in almost any other public place.” Phew, we were worried that profit from addiction was faux pas these days. Here’s to you, Nicogel!

Travis Barker, Former Craprock Dummer, Owner Of Neck Tattoo (Yahoo!) - This neck-tattooed knucklehead never intended to break his arm, he certainly didn’t mean to break his arm on video, and we’re sure he didn’t want to press pause on his career. Fortunately for us, though, all of these things happened.

Barker made news when he quit drumming on the craprock circuit to nurse his busted arm and concede to actually being less coordinated than Def Leppard’s one-armed career-killer Rick Allen.

It’s just too bad that Barker didn’t snap his absurdly long neck. Now that’s a video we’d really want to watch. That, or maybe a +44 or Blink 182 show at the The Station nightclub in Rhode Island.