Larry King on the Road to Recovery - No need to rejoice, as King will likely return to the saddle to ask more inane questions and conduct more stupid interviews. (Yahoo!)
John McCain Embraces Gays - Yes, we’re just kidding.
U.S. Energy Department - After being fined $1.1 million by the EPA for nuclear violations, Energy Dept. representatives met with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Radioactive Man to plot their next course of action. (Yahoo!)
Mel Gibson Curses at Academic - After realizing that “sugartits” is not an appropriate (or even good) insult, Mel has resorted to the tried-and-true “Fuck off!” when confronting his adversaries. Gibson also noted that his response was a direct quote from “The Christ.” (Yahoo!)
Be A Killing Machine (Some Brain Damage Required) - A new study shows that neurological damage makes utilitarian killing seem more rational. This has prompted the U.S. Army to once again lower their minimum IQ requirements, and recruiters are now also giving away Jolly Rancher-flavored lead-based paint at high schools everywhere. (SciAm)
Have You Ever Heard of Snowmobiler Heaven? - Statistics show a rise in U.S. recreational snowmobile injuries, but questions remain, such as: can we extend this trend to four-wheelers and other off-road vehicles? (Reuters)
They Don’t Even Have a Termite Problem in Detroit - But if you want to buy a house, it might still be cheaper than buying a car. (Reuters)
Eckert, Seamans, Cherin, & Mellott - In an obvious cry for help, this Philadelphia law firm recently welcomed ethical ambiguity, homophobia Rick Santorum with open arms. (LancasterOnline)
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