Fisheries, Not Whales, To Blame For Shortage Of Fish - Now what the fuck am I going to do with all these “Blame the Whales” bumper stickers that I had printed up?
Baseball, apple pie, and kicking your fucking ass: 21 hilariously hyperbolic pro-America songs - I really need to get a boot. I feel so un-American when I try to insert my shoe into foreigners’ asses.
Grand Jury Clears Texan in the Killing of 2 Burglars - Apparently Houston is the place to live for any white men interested in getting away with shooting two black men in the back with a shotgun.
Suicides account for 55% of gun deaths - The NRA responded to the statistic on Tuesday: “We wholeheartedly and sincerely believe that more liberals of both genders and generally nonwhites should own guns.”
Spiritual Effects Of Hallucinogens Persist, Researchers Report - A study has documented long-term benefits for mentally stable people who consume hallucinogenic mushrooms in a controlled environment. No seriously, this article is in ScienceDaily.
Folks donate bodies for skinning, display - I haven’t read the article, but I assume this is the same “group of folks” who have donated their bodies to coalition “troops” in Iraq.
If The Large Hadron Collider Produced A Microscopic Black Hole, It Probably Wouldn’t Matter - Phew! I haven’t felt so relieved since someone told me that I probably wouldn’t hate Jurassic Park: The Lost World. I still haven’t seen it, but I am reassured.
Teacher accused of branding cross on student - Mr. Freshwater, despite plans to acknowledge his actions through the “Crazy Creationist Defense,” filed a slander countersuit against the victim. In the suit, he defends the Creationist-as-educator image and states, “Only 99.778% of us are actually a threat to students’ education and general well-being; this young man has made us all out to be dangeous sociopaths intent on manipulating impressionable students everywhere.”
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