Debate Scorecard: Obama, 1; McCain, 0; Brokaw, 666

This entry was posted by owl and bear staff on Tuesday, October 7th, 2008 at 8:55 pm.

Your faithful Owl&Bear contributors sat down once again and chatted up John McCain and Barack Obama’s second debate. The results, as usual, were half gruesome, half sickening, and half totally awesome.

9:04 PM

Harry: damn you, kent brockman!
Chris: obama better start winking and mangling his english if he wants to appeal to voters

9:06 PM

Graham: he looks like a terrorist
Harry: if he looks like a terrorist and barks like one, and smells like a black guy, he’s gotta be one
Graham: McCain’s looking a little shaky
Ed: black people are automatically terrorists
Harry: is mccain going to hug the questioner?
Graham: if he says nucular, I’m turning it off
Harry: Spell it right—it’s nuquelar
Ed: spell it right

9:08 PM

Chris: McCain: “I can speak for retirees, because I’m 20 years past retiring age myself”
Ed: McCain had no idea the value of any of his houses have changed
Chris: yeah he’s now worth only 6 houses
Graham: but not the white house
Harry: McCain’s thank you was like “I’m out”
Chris: did McCain say “Not you, Tom” or “Fuck you, Tom”…
Ed: hes worth 7, but some of them he has to use political capital to get tax breaks on

9:10 PM

Harry: McCain: “Sorry, Tom. I’m not prepared to elaborate on my broad assertion.”
Chris: “see, i’m in touch. i know what ebay is. it’s where you pretend to sell airplanes”
Andy: “you hear that, kids? i’m down with eBay. Don’t believe me. check out my Friendster page.”

9:11 PM

Ed: oh my god. they let a terrorist in the crowd. oh wait, its just a black guy
Graham: they’re using mccain and obama doubles to ask the questions. first the older white guy, now the young black guy
Graham: Tina Fey’s asking the next question. Meanwhile, McCain is talking to the blue wall
Harry: it’s funny how he has to explain his campaign suspension every time he mentions it, yet he keeps mentioning it
Chris: “i bravely took a vacation from campaigning in order to pretend to fix the economy”
Harry: and then failed to follow through

9:13 PM

Andy: i wish mccain would take the hanger out of his jacket
Harry: shit, obama’s responsible for handing out those risky loans? I guess we now have an answer on the “who’s to blame?” question.
Ed: HOW is mccain talkin about fannie and freddie with the allegations against his campaign?
Chris: ah so now its mccain who’s for heavier regulation
Ed: and a big hug
Harry: apparently nobody told McCain the difference between regulation and regurgitation

9:14 PM

Chris: mccain’s sole campaign strategy seems to be to impersonate obama’s campaign
Harry: obama took a hike in a forest fire? how foolish!

9:15 PM

Harry: i would feel really awkward if I as a questioner and mccain and obama were getting so close to me.
Chris: obama is really just pointing out ways in which he’s failed to get his economic warning across
Harry: hah, its a pissing contest now–who blew the whistle first?
Harry: just like i’m going to say “I told you so” when Bush lowers the terror alert on Nov. 1
Chris: or raises it, to scare people into voting republican. use “the mommy problem”, get people to vote repub when they’re scared and need a daddy to protect them.

9:17 PM

Graham: brokaw’s got a tele-tubby-colored podium
Harry: good ole mealy mouthed brokaw
Harry: McCain answers to NOBODY
Graham: “my friend…”

9:18 PM

Graham: I’m obviously biased, but McCain looks half dead. he looked better in the last debate
Harry: McCain: [fixing the economy] depends on what we do. vote for me, i’ll fix it. vote for obama, expect terrorist attacks and economic hardship
Chris: yeah we’ve all seen how terrorist attacks never occur during GOP administrations

9:20 PM

Harry: i think it’s funny how the media is calling this a “high stakes” debate, and it’s slightly less exciting than watching paint dry

9:21 PM

Graham: dude, there needs to be a “cool space” rule.. he’s gonna give theresa a lapdance
Harry: i know, that’s what i’m saying
Harry: McCain’s breathing sounds a little labored. ohhhhh theresa, i feeeeel for you
Chris: yeah mccain is totally winded

9:23 PM

Harry: obama just said that his spending will be less and mccain says “did you know that obama wants to increase spending?”

9:24 PM

Harry: i like how mccain points out $1 million in spending and America no longer cares about anything under $700 billion
Chris: “Clearly the solution to fixing the economy is offshore drilling”
Andy: brokaw’s stealing the show with his smoke-in-the-room gaze
Graham: clearly
Harry: McCain: “even though we won’t realize the benefits of drilling until 2018, it’s still the panacea”
Graham: we just have to smoke it out

9:25 PM

Harry: McCain: Tom, asking about my priorities is “gotcha” journalism. i can work on many things at once, except 100% of the time
Graham: “We can do many things at once.” he’s really struggling with this
Harry: McCain: “i can reach across the aisle, whether it’s joe lieberman, or some other democratic pariah”
Graham: “I’m having trouble filling up my leer jet”
Chris: “i have a clear record of reaching across the aisle and working with the following prestigious Obama supporters”

9:26 PM

Harry: McCain’s health care plan is such bullshit, but it’s a national security requirement, apparently
Andy: yeah, but obama’s health-care plan probably indirectly funds terrorism
Chris: obama totally just said “Nashville” with a Southern accent. way to relate.
Chris: “Universal health care? But there are terrorists in the universe!”
Graham: he’s beating mccain to the punchline

9:28 PM

Andy: brokaw: “there are rules! am i the only one around here who gives a shit about the rules!?!?”
Chris: shut up, brokaw

9:29 PM

Harry: Brokaw: “what spending would you eliminate in this crisis?” McCain: “I’m going to ask Americans to eliminate the environment”
Graham: drill, drill, drill. uh, actually stupid, it’s drill, baby, driill
Andy: at least he’s getting americans to work toward a common goal
Graham: we’re americans, not american’ts
Andy: “we can attack health care, energy, and iran at the same time”
Graham: he’s channeling Dubya
Chris: a spending freeze? sounds like the moves of a fundamentally strong economy

9:31 PM

Chris: Obama “some of you still remember 9/11″
Andy: and obama’s channeling rudy “who me 9/11″ giuliani
Graham: rudy, rudy

9:32 PM

Graham: ladies and gentleman, Jimmy Carter
Graham: the peace corps is for draft dodgers
Chris: get out of here with your big, sensible ideas, obama

9:34 PM

Harry: Brokaw: “some of you still remember President Bush”
Andy: four more years!
Graham: high on the lipstick hog… wait, no, I didn’t mean…
Andy: “high on the hog”?!?!? didn’t Obama learn anything from pig-gate?

9:35 PM

Harry: i like the hatchet/scalpel metaphor
Chris: me too
Harry: even if it is the second time he’s used it

9:36 PM

Harry: oh, but mccain busts out a Jell-o metaphor!!! Obama’s been one-upped!
Graham: daaaaaaah

9:37 PM

Harry: hopefully obama gets a chance to refute McCain’s lie about overtaxing small businesses
Harry: McCain: “i am not in favor of tax cuts to the wealthy”
Harry: Finally, someone’s sticking it to Joe Sixpack!

9:38 PM

Harry: Brokaw’s a fuckin’ debate Nazi!
Andy: Brokaw missed the early-bird special to moderate tonight. you’d be pissed too
Chris: Don’t fight with Brokaw, Obama. He’s grumpy.

9:39 PM

Graham: God, their jokes suck tonight
Harry: yea they really do
Graham: ewww, tough crowd
Graham: Obama: look folks, I’m gonna tax the really rich people, what the hell is complicated about that?
Graham: Obama: m – b – b – trillion
Harry: thousandmillionbillion!

9:40 PM

Harry: McCain: “our wonderful Ronald Reagan, our wonderful, sweet and lovely rotting corpse; Reagan was a pioneer of putting our great country into insurmountable debt, the exact opposite of what I apparently stand for.”
Andy: if the rich don’t stay super-rich, how can we expect to be the golden city on the hill? without them, there’s no way to allow for their golden showers to trickle down on us
Harry: i like how McCain criticized obama for not answering the question, pledges to answer this one, pretends to answer it for five seconds, then goes back to the other question

9:44

Andy: mccain almost let go of his mic a la chris rock. so badass
Harry: mccain: “i think global warming is a threat. hopefully my freeze on spending will somehow help.”

9:48 PM

Harry: jesus, brokaw, again with your precious rules. come off it!
Andy: Brokaw: “let’s not focus on the issues, fellas. let’s focus on the lights”
Chris: Shut up Brokaw, seriously

9:49 PM

Chris: god forbid a presidential debate goes over 90 minutes, and cuts into the 93 hours of spin that will follow it
Harry: I can’t believe the networks let the last debate happen on a friday and prevented America from wasting their workdays on the internet, following up on the riduclous assessments that followed. And they let Paul Newman die too!
Chris: mccain’s sarcastic, patronizing voice is pretty creepy
Harry: john loves the oil!

9:49 PM

Harry: Brokaw after McCain patronizes him: “thank you very much senator, this is my sincere voice, as well as my aroused voice”

9:51 PM

Harry: why the fuck do people oppose universal health care? the only viable argument is “we don’t want the government to decide, we want the family to decide (and pay multiple thousands of dollars as a result).”
Chris: why is mccain standing behind obama like that
Harry: mccain’s going to high-low obama–someone’s going to come out of the audience and push obama backward while mccain crouches behind him
Harry: mccain is like a wolf on the prowl, about to be shot by sarah palin–from a helicopter

9:53 PM

Chris: Obama: “Under my plan, John McCain’s mammograms will be covered”
Andy: rape kits still won’t be tax deductible, though
Harry: McCain: let’s put everyone’s health records online, the most secure place in the world, just ask my running mate, Sarah, who coincidentally, is a big proponent of secure passwords!

9:55 PM

Chris: McCain’s light turned red a minute ago and he’s still talking
Andy: yeah, he totally plowed through that light
Harry: “we should have affordable health care available to anyone who qualifies as rich”
Graham: yes, Obama, “RIGHT!” fuck, people, health care is a goddamn right
Harry: good job obama: “in a country as wealthy as ours”, “health care should be a right”
Graham: McCain: I’m not gonna follow your lights, brokaw, I’m gonna talk right to the american people…
Chris: Brokaw: “We cannot let this debate go one second over ninety minutes. We must stick to the time constraints. Senator McCain has to get to bed.”

9:58 PM

Graham: watch out, McCain’s got a sharpie!
Andy: he’s gonna give obama one of those stupid curly french mustaches
Chris: its a freedom mustache
Andy: Brokaw: “lights, people. lights”

10:00 PM

Andy: “MerCain”?
Chris: mccain’s retorts are so petty
Graham: All men had to be black or bald to get into this room
Andy: “four corners of the earth”; oh god. he doesn’t know the earth is round
Chris: McCain is so old he still thinks the earth has four corners
Chris: ha, jinx
Andy: me first

10:01 PM

Graham: is he still talking?
Chris: when in doubt, say something vaguely patriotic

10:02 PM

Andy: mccain’s doing a sudoku in the background!
Harry: i’m glad that obama’s attacking “he doesn’t understand”. i bet he was coached to have an “I don’t understand” retort, but he did it well
Graham: Amrrrrrrrrica
Harry: Amurrica
Andy: ‘mrka
Harry: ‘rka
Harry: ‘a
Andy: fuck!

10:05 PM

Harry: brokaw’s podium is a funny shade of purple. i wonder if it’s supposed to show impartiality by being a combination of red and blue
Andy: it shows that he’s biased toward both both democrats (blue) and republicans (red). there is no third way

10:06 PM

Graham: McCain: I don’t have a doctrine
Harry: i haven’t made a doctrine because i haven’t been able to concentrate on jack shit for the last year
Graham: I’m only gonna bring home half of our soldiers, but it’ll be in victory
Harry: the other half will become naturalized Iraqis
Graham: terrorist fist pump! fool me once…
Andy: and the third half will be political refugees
Harry: i’ll bring our troops home with victory and honor, be it in 2098, and at great expense, for no clear reason
Chris: McCain: “American blood is our most precious asset, and we should only spend it frivolously when it can profit us most”
Andy: notice that mccain double fists the mic a lot

10:07 PM

Andy: audience member: “this question is so unimportant to me that i’ve not memorized it and can barely read what has been prepared for me”
Harry: did the audience members actually write their questions, or were the questions handed to them?
Chris: wow. “we will kill bin laden”. no euphemisms there
Harry: McCain: I know how to get him, but it can’t happen unless I’m elected; sorry. And I’m the only one who knows, because I’m the only one left who communicates with a “telegraph” machine.
Harry: Clusterfuck in the debate! “you’re doing a heckuva job brokaw”

10:14 PM

Graham: bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb iran. I love that song
Andy: me too
Harry: bomb bomb bomb Uhron
Andy: war is hilarious
Harry: war is a super funny thing. super funny!
Chris: McCain re: The Bomb Iran song: “i was just joking when i did that exact thing i criticized obama for doing. JOKING.”

10:15 PM

Harry: “Putin has surrounded himself with KGB hot chicks”

10:21 PM

Graham: fellas, I don’t think this debate is going to change anything
Harry: not a whit. it’s certainly not going to attract people to mac
Graham: turn the corner!
Andy: now someone say, “stay the course”
Harry: stay the corner!

10:23 PM

Graham: this debate format blows
Graham: there are 15 people in the room, and they’re all sleeping
Harry: i like how this debate was completely devoid of mudslinging, even though all of the media and the campaigns said it would be saturated with mud!
Harry: At least McCain wanted to do some Jell-o wrestling, but Obama wanted to bring his scalpel, naturally.

10:24 PM

Harry: i really should be president. i won’t make any jokes whatsoever
Harry: hah, McCain’s “maybe” answer was his biggest joke of the night
Andy: yes, harry, you’ve shown yourself to be devoid of any humor to this point
Harry: i know it

10:25 PM

Chris: Brokaw: “I’d like you to answer the following complicated question with only a yes or a no.”
Harry: McCain to the audience member: i feel like i should touch you right now, terry. one, two, maybe three times
Harry: “mccain touched me, i’m voting for obama”

10:27 PM

Harry: McCain: obama will meet the iranian president with no preconditions. “no police, no marked bills. throw the money out the window when you cross the bridge, then we’ll release the uranium.”

10:28 PM

Andy: “nuclear stuff is good unless it’s in the hands of someone from the middle east, then it’s a weapon”
Graham: this debate blew, a lot
Chris: nah it didn’t. it wasn’t sensational, but it was good. this is important, albeit boring, stuff
Graham: I try to watch these things as a swing voter

10:30 PM

Harry: This question comes from the Great State of Internetylvania, USA…
Graham: I like this last question
Andy: Obama: Ask Michelle about things I “don’t know.” obama is totally p’whipped
Chris: from the internet: “If you could be a tree, what kind of tree would you be?”
Harry: obama gets a laugh! we have a winner! laugh index: obama 1, mccain 0, brokaw 666

10:31 PM

Andy: brokaw: “guys, we gotta wrap this up. everybody loves raymond is coming on.”
Andy: mccain is playing pocket pool
Chris: obama totally turned his answer into an infomercial
Chris: “in our generation”? that’s a wide net McCain is casting
Harry: mccain tries this “zen” thing on for size
Harry: McCain: “i know what it’s like in dark times; the great depression really sucked; but the roaring twenties fucking rocked.”

10:32 PM

Andy: “comrades”? is mccain a communist
Chris: McCain: “I know what it’s like to suffer. I was briefly married to a woman who wasn’t rich.”
Andy: wow! america’s doomed
Chris: brokaw is such a curmudgeon

10:33 PM

Chris: Brokaw: “you’re in my way, presidents!”
Andy: michelle and cindi are wearing colors supporting the opposite parties
Chris: i wonder if they coordinate that

10:34 PM

Andy: can these things be anymore orchestrated?
Andy: whatever happens this November, i feel like we’re being bamboozled
Graham: alright fellas, to the pundit-mobile!!