Breaking News! Matt Drudge Mutilates Thesaurus

This entry was posted by owl and bear on Thursday, October 23rd, 2008 at 4:07 pm.

Matt Drudge leads Google Trends today with his “shocking” headline about a mysterious “dark-skinned” ATM mugger who, after noticing a McCain sticker on his victim’s car, apparently “mutilated” her by “carving” a letter B on her face.

Oh, wait. Viewing the actual article reveals that she wasn’t “mutilated” or “carved” like a pumpkin, as Drudge indicates, but “scratched.”

UPDATE: The “victim” now admits to making the story up.

This photo (above) shows that the “mutilation” could’ve been perpetrated with an elongated fingernail. In fact, the “carving” was so benign that the victim refused treatment and instead decided to wait thirty seconds for the scratch to fade.

Barack Obama’s campaign quickly released a statement: “This is a horrendous act of violence. Our thoughts and prayers are with the young woman for her to make a speedy recovery, and we hope that the person who perpetrated this crime is swiftly apprehended and brought to justice.”

John McCain and Sarah Palin took time away from their “Joe the Plumber Tour” (no, seriously) to personally console the victim.

I too wholeheartedly agree that this attack was reprehensible. Nonetheless, Matt Drudge isn’t doing the victim any favors by exaggerating the course of events. I’d like to suggest that he change his headline to something more realistic, such as Obama Supporter Decapitates and Disembowels McCain Volunteer.

Either that, or Drudge should stop relying on blogs like Sarah’s Army—which practically blames Obama for the attack, saying “there will be blood,” and blithely predicts the “assassination of America’s first communist president.”

When asked to comment, Drudge said: “The following things mutilated me today: a twig, my backscratcher, my cat, my dog, my gerbil, my fingernail. It’s no laughing matter.”

chris maroulakos says:

October 23, 2008 at 4:31 pm

Good points, Harry. But perhaps you’re just barely mutilating the surface on this one. I would just like to be the first to blindly speculate that this is actually McCain’s “October Surprise”.

Think about it: you’re trailing by a reported 13 points in the polls, the election is in less than two weeks, and things are only getting worse. So what do you do? If you’re smart, you convince an all-too-willing supporter to let you carve a B in her face—or maybe she did it herself, which would explain why it’s backwards—and claim that it was done not just by a Darkie, but by an Obama Darkie.

This rekindles skittish white people’s racist fears, conjuring images of black bucks chasing white virgins off cliffs à la Birth Of A Nation, and allows you to portray your impending Election Day loss as a similarly despciable mugging. Just imagine the headlines: “Will Obama Carve ‘B’ In McCain’s Face On Election Day?” and “Obama Training Army Of Black Zorro’s To Overthrow Whitey On January 20th”. Well played, McCain, well played.

harry s truman says:

October 23, 2008 at 4:33 pm

Lest we forget Zorro. That guy is a serial mutilator.

Anonymous says:

October 24, 2008 at 11:24 am

The victim was so traumatized that it’s caused her to change her story repeatedly.

October 24, 2008 at 1:04 pm

UPDATE: She made the entire story up. I love being right.

andy fargnoli says:

October 24, 2008 at 2:10 pm

That the story is made up should please the Obama spokesperson who said, “[The Obama campaign hopes] that the person who perpetrated this crime is swiftly apprehended and brought to justice.” According to the updated news story Chris links to in the previous comment, the perpetrator, who in this case was the faux victim bearing a backward “B” with Hester Prynne–like shame, “will be charged with filing a false [police] report.”