Larry on Larry – An Interview With the King

This entry was posted by owl and bear on Friday, May 22nd, 2009 at 1:34 pm.

Larry King, godfather of the softball question, published an autobiography earlier this week, called My Remarkable Journey. In the book, King finally answers all of the softball questions that have plagued our minds since he took to the airwaves in 1913.

By promising King that we’d model our interview after his “promote, don’t go for the throat” style, we were able to sit down with the inexplicably popular TV star.

Owl & Bear: First, Larry, thanks for speaking with us, and for stepping out from your comfortable position behind the microphone to speak into its other side.

Larry: My pleasure.

Owl & Bear: You’re the King, so to speak, of a lot of media.

Larry: I like to think of myself that way, and the things that I think are correct.

Owl & Bear: How have you managed to stay relevant for so goddamn long?

Larry: I periodically change the frames of my glasses. Well, I did that once — when my ratings were flagging — and it’s made all the difference. Even if you’re 20/20, I’d suggest wearing fake glasses, just so you can change them once in a while. You’ll seem more cutting edge, while in actuality, you’re still the same old jackass. No offense.

Owl & Bear: None taken. Like modern day luminaries O.J. Simpson (If I Did It), Sarah Palin (A Girl and a Geezer), and Newt Gingrich (Why I Left My Wife Who Had Cancer and Other Memorable Moments in My Life), you recently wrote a book. About yourself. What was the process of selecting yourself as the focus of a book-length exploration?

Larry: Well, I’d like to say that I chose myself without even considering another topic, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t admit to considering a multi-volume chronicle of the history of suspenders. Slight moments of doubt are just one of many human-like traits that I discuss in the book. It’s really what makes me such an interesting subject and a remarkable, remarkable, astoundingly brilliant and remarkable person.

Owl & Bear: It’s interesting that you use the word remarkable so many times in succession. I feel like you’re trying to lead me into mentioning the name of your book, My Remarkable Journey.

Larry: You’re swift, kid.

Owl & Bear: Thanks, Larry. You seem nice. Anyhow, why’d you pick that title? This seems like a missed opportunity to go with a delicious pun involving your last name: A Life Fit for a King, for instance, or The Remarkable Journey of a King, or The Return of the King. Or, here’s a good one, King Larry and the Guests of the Round Table.

Larry: I have no idea what you’re talking about. My book is really great, though. I’d encourage everyone to buy it.

Owl&Bear: Sure, Larry. Will do. You recently revealed to the world that you have a son named Larry Jr. You kept this fact secret for the past fifteen years. The decision to drop this bombshell now: did it have anything to do with your desire to promote the new book?

Larry: No, it’s a total coincidence. But I would like to take this opportunity to reveal to the world that I shot Lee Harvey Oswald.

Owl&Bear: You’re Jack Ruby?

Larry: I would like to take this opportunity to reveal to the world that I am a, what do they call themselves nowadays, a poof.

Owl&Bear: You’ve been married thirty-seven times, Larry. I find that somewhat hard to believe.

Larry: Yeah, you got me, I’m all man. What if I told you I was a Communist?

Owl&Bear: That might have been shocking in the fifties.

Larry: My mother was a praying mantis.

Owl&Bear: You’re just as lucid as ever, aren’t you?

Larry: Shut up. Buy my book. Next question.

Owl & Bear: So, back to the title of your book. Would you say that it’s important?

Larry: Many years ago, I had lunch with Cary Grant and he said this to me: “Movies have titles, too. Say, you gonna finish those fries?” He never invited me to dine with him again.

Owl & Bear: Is that anecdote in the book?

Larry: What book?

Owl & Bear: I don’t mean to be rude, but it looks as if you may have an erection.

Larry: My genitalia are petrified. My gonads look like fossilized dinosaur eggs.

Owl & Bear: That’s all the time we have, Larry. Thanks for joining us. Before you go, any parting thoughts?

Larry: Sometimes I forget what I’m talking about. For instance…

Owl & Bear: Go on.

Larry: I have no idea what you’re talking about. Buy my book. It’s got large print! I’m old!