Ask Owl&Bear, vol. 1

Welcome to the first installment of Ask Owl & Bear, where you mere mortals get to interact with this website’s esteemed animalian contributors! Do you have questions about music, movies, politics, art, literature, or priapism? Ask away! No question or four-hour-long boner is too small. Enjoy!

Dear Owl&Bear,

I like the site a lot, but I noticed that there’s been a ton of cursing lately. What the fudge!?!?

(Hot) Carl

Owl: We believe that you deserve better from us, dear reader. The Internet can be a veritable minefield of depravity. One second you’re Googling places to buy chocolate soft serve, and before you know it you’ve clicked on a link for “2 Girls 1 Cup” and your guts are scattered all over the place. We’ve decided to stop being part of the precipitate, and instead feebly try to be part of the solution. So in order to make the Internet nice, for the nice people, we’ve washed our mouths out with soap (Bear also literally did so, he claims, as a further gesture of his commitment. But I’m pretty sure it was accidental).

We’d like to make the following pledge to our readers: No longer shall you be subjected to harmful swearing for comedic purposes, save for the perfectly placed curse-riddled barb. You rely on us for music, movie, and TV reviews, along with in-depth political coverage—not a how-to on getting thrown out of Hooters—and, gosh darn it, that’s what you’re gonna get. Care to chime in, Bear?

Bear: Thanks, Owl, and thank you, beloved reader! We at Owl&Bear understand that the side effects of laughing at profanity can be a lot like those of abortion: belly-aches, lightheadedness, euphoria, sudden weight loss. And sure, it’s all in good fun the first few times, but after a while both can leave you feeling mixed up inside. We’ve decided that, from now on, our use of profanity will be just like how abortion should be: safe, rare, and hilarious.

Yo, Owl&Bear,

I’ve written a book about mental retardation for beginners. Have any suggestions for a title?

“Dr.” Moonshine

Owl: Since this is such a great idea for a book, I’m sure you already have a publishing house on board, which may have its own titular standards. So, my guess is that it’ll be called something like Retards for Idiots or The Complete Dummy’s Guide to Being Retarded.

Bear: Consider You May Be a Mongoloid If….

Hello Owl and Bear,

As I’m sure you’ve heard, there is a Sarah Palin-themed porno coming out soon called Nailin’ Paylin [sic]. Now that the proverbial floodgates have been opened, what sorts of political porn can we expect in the future?

Scared To Ogle Palin

Owl: You’ve come to the right place, STOP. We’ve got the best blow-by-blow erection coverage on the Internet. I wouldn’t be surprised if, in the coming months, we see a slew of political-themed porn. If Nailin’ Paylin is a hit, expect sequels like Beaver Huntin’ With Sarah, Sarah’s Guide To McCainal, and Dick-Suckin’ Mavericks (guest-starring Dick Cheney). Democrats will surely want to get in on the action, so expect titles like Ridin’ Biden and Barack Around The Cock. The world’s most famous undecided voter is reportedly joining the fun as well: Joe The Plumper Humper is due later this year.

Bear: I’ve already pre-ordered my copy of Facial Lifts, which depicts Cindy McCain getting down with all seventeen of her plastic surgeons at once. But I’m most looking forward to Jenna and Barbara starring in Twin Bushes.

** We give a hoot about your opinions and thanks for bearing with us. Send your burning questions to **

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.