John McCain, failed Republican presidential candidate and Grandpa Simpson of the U.S. Senate, has long opposed repealing “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” without clear input from the Pentagon. Well, this week, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Michael Mullen implored congress to repeal the law “without delay.” McCain, ever the reasonable man, deferred to Gates and Mullen, saying that he supports their conclusions.

Just kidding! McCain called the Pentagon’s study “flawed” and accused Admiral Mullen of not being a real soldier anyway. He also told Gates that the matter should be put up to a vote within the military, because soldiers are fragile and unaccustomed to being told what to do.

McCain even implied that the survey didn’t include gross graphic enough questions, even though one asked:

If Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is repealed and you are assigned to bathroom facilities with an open bay shower that someone you believe to be a gay or lesbian Service member also used, [what] are you most likely to do?

But really, what this all comes down to is the fact that John McCain is determined to leave this world just as he entered it — absolutely terrified of nancyboys and buggery. Despite what the volleyball scene in Top Gun might have led him to believe, allowing gays in the military will probably not result in hot oil rubdowns and furtive glances at your fellow soldiers’ nipple sweat. At least, no more than usual.